a Love failed.

came to realise how useless i am. its no wonder you said those words, those things. from first hand informations from you to third parties. now its understandable and comprehendable why people say being together is not only about loving each other. all this while i had been too naive.

its how interesting how i fail at my own affairs and i am helping people with theirs and yet, it helps. things may have gone a tad too fast between us both. i was at fault for asking you when i did not know you well enough. well enough to even be together with you. honestly, i doubt anyone will ever come across this blog. only perhaps, less than 5 know of this and i do not update. i do blame myself that i speculated too much at times and made a fuck mess out of all this.

yet even with trying amendments, which i know are not sufficient, still fail, always. failures demoralizes me. it demoralizes almost everyone. who can say failing doesnt or isnt a bad feeling? maybe only thomas edison since he came up with "i have not failed, just found a thousand ways which didnt work". because of this line and because of what coached had said once, i am not giving anything up.

honestly, i have no idea how long i am going to cling onto this. seeing how ian had failed, it made me wonder alot. you're so close to me, yet you seem like a stranger to me now.

i have been stealing, you had been drinking. i do not want to steal but it seemed to be the only thing i could do even if it doesnt relieve me of all this. heard of news that you have started drinking again, no idea whether it is true. i do not understand why both of us are torturing ourselves, constantly in a tormented state.

maybe, maybe after we get our o's, you heading on with JC life, me with my poly/jc life. things might be long different from now but i certainly aint want things going that way.
i want to be the one to be beside you when you are down. not the one making you down. i want to be the one who hears anything from you first.
i want to be the one to love you, more than you do.
but how all the i wants seem so impossible.

you once said your parents disapproved us, because of our differing personalities. dx told me, who cares when 2 parties really are in love? i wondered on both sides. dx was right, your parents were right as well. despite loving each other, if you are not feeling happy or cheerful with me, it would have been very selfish of me to cling on. will you be happy, so much happier, like you were months ago, without me?

i thought so. patrick was the one who changed my mind. he told me how bad you were feeling, how you had been drinking, how shagged you look, how you were feigning to be your cheerful self. i told myself to believe him for i believe in this love. i will go on, not giving up as i used to. picking up, getting back on my both feet after every fall for you. just as i plead, you will not give up on me.